Chemo #3

Today is the halfway point of my chemo!  Yay!!  It feels good to know that I only have 3 treatments left!  I'm hoping the recovery after chemo #3 is like chemo #2.  I know the doctors have said that the side effects gradually intensify, but the days after chemo #2 weren't as bad as the first treatment.  I think that had to do with the fact that I didn't have to get the loading doses of some of the harsher drugs... but I'm not sure.  The diarrhea was more manageable the second time.  And actually, on Thursday of last week, I found a solution that I think might work for me.  Continue reading for too much information!  Skip to the next paragraph if poop bothers you!  So when my belly blows up, it usually comes on fast and I have to go like 5-6 times over the course of about 45 minutes.  It's the painful, gotta-get-there-fast kind.  I always take 2 Imodium, which takes about 20 minutes or so to take effect.  Then I have about 2 days of no stools (heavenly!), but on the third day, I'll have a solid poop and then about 8 hours later, the diarrhea starts again.  So... I finally got smart and noticed this pattern and decided to take matters into my own hands.  On Thursday, I had the solid poop and decided to take 1 Imodium right afterward, to possible prevent the belly blow 8 hours later.  IT WORKED, y'all!  My belly didn't blow on Thursday when it was "supposed to".  Then on Friday morning, I had a solid stool and took another Imodium right after.  Again, no blow.  Same thing on Saturday.  Same thing on Sunday.  So hopefully after my week of constipation (always days 1-5), once the diarrhea starts, I'm going to try this new system.  If it works again, I will consider myself a blessed genius!  My life will be so much better and maybe I can even go out to eat without being paranoid.  

Other than the belly issues, chemo #2 wasn't horrible.  Still tired.  Still dry/burned mouth.  Still heartburn.  Still insomnia.  Still chemo brain.  But on the whole, there's nothing I can't handle.  My family is so helpful and understanding, so I rest and sit out when I need to and I join in for the fun as often as I can.  

The thing that's been the most bothersome lately has been my own thoughts.  I have run into people who are fighting breast cancer again or breast cancer that's metastasized elsewhere and it really scares me.  My faith is strong.  God has given me this strong faith and His peace, but when I hear stories of reoccurrence and metastasis, it opens the door for Satan to come in.  Satan plays the same game with me that he played with Eve in the Garden of Eden.  I know God promises to keep me and do what is best for me.  I know He is near me and has a plan for me.  But when I hear these stories and imagine they could be future battles for me, that I could leave this earth before my girls are grown, it's like Satan is asking me, "Did God really say He will keep you?  Did He really say that?  Does He know what's best for you?"  Satan knows these deep fears of mine are a hot button he can use to cause doubt within.  And I will literally say aloud, "Get behind me, Satan.  I'm not doing this today.  I trust God.  I trust Him fully."  My friend Giermann sent me a devotional about not letting fear take over during this journey and it's been so pertinent and helpful.  I read the verses and trust God's sovereign plan.  I ask that you would pray for me when these times of fear creep in.  The fear serves no purpose for me and does not get me in the frame of mind I prefer to live in.  So please, if you have some time, could you ask God to give me a spirit of hope and trust when Satan tries to mess with me through fear and doubt.  I know the prayers you say are powerful and God hears them, so I would be very grateful if you'd pray for that specifically.  

I met with my surgeon's physician's assistant last week, along with the lymphedema nurse.  Because they'll be taking lymph nodes from my right side at the time of surgery, they begin educating patients about lymphedema early.  Lymphedema is basically arm swelling on the side of missing lymph nodes that cannot be reversed if let go too long.  Women used to struggle with this quite a bit, but much research has been done and around 2% of patients have permanent lymphedema now.  So this nurse will meet with me throughout this journey and for the next several years to make sure I'm not in the 2%.  

Meeting with the surgeons assistant was helpful.  I went in with 3 pages of questions and she was gracious to answer all of them.  She did mention that it's probably more likely that I'll need to have radiation than not, but we can't be too sure.  So I'm still asking for very intense prayers about not needing radiation.  If I need it, I won't fight it, but I don't want to have it.  I'm really trying to make my decision about double vs. single and also going flat vs. reconstruction.  I'm about 85% decided that I'll opt for a double mastectomy... I think the actual term is bilateral mastectomy, but you get the idea.  I figure what good is one boob?  I mean really, what am I gonna do with just one?  And if I can lower my chances going through this journey again, I would like to do that.  The going flat or reconstructing is a more complicated decision for me.  I've set up an appointment with a plastic surgeon to discuss the reconstruction options in August.  I'm hoping I have a better idea of what I might do at that point.

On Saturday, my sister and I went to Smithville to meet with the owner of Absolute Dignity, a store that sells prosthesis and other items to help women fighting breasts cancer.  Cathy was the sweetest, kindest woman and was so helpful to me.  If I choose not to reconstruct, I don't plan to live flat on a daily basis.  I plan to wear prostheses most of the time.  I asked the doctor about who I might talk to about going flat and wearing prosthetics.  She said there's really not a good place to go, but maybe see if I could get information at one of the stores like Absolute Dignity.  Considering that 40% of women don't reconstruct, I really find it upsetting that there's no place to really get informed about life with no boobies.  But I don't have time to worry about that right now.  For now, I'm thankful that Cathy was so open with me about her own journey and experience.  She let me strap on some girls and see how they feel.  It was great!  I left feeling like I could become comfortable with the idea of going flat with prosthetics if that's the route I feel is best for me.  I'll have to wait for the appointment with the plastic surgeon to see how comfortable I feel with those options.

There's much else to report from the Weaver house.  Life is not all about chemo and cancer in our home.  I've been working on redoing our dining room.  The table and china hutch were just too big for the space and we never used them, aside from holidays and birthday parties. So I've had a vision of changing the room to a craft room, office, dining room.  I started working on my plans in April, but then everything turned upside-down in our lives and I kind of put it on hold.  But spending so much time at home has made me even more unhappy with the wasted dining space.  So I asked Ryan if we could get to work on the redesign.  He was like, "Geez... even chemo can't slow you down!"  Nope!  So see below for the unfinished product.  The double desk pieces should be installed in the next few weeks... once I feel better after this treatment!  One desk will be my sewing desk and the other Ryan's work from home space.  

Enjoying dessert at the new dining room table!
We also played a family game to "break it in"!

The girls are still doing well!  We've been going on adventures and Gracie even went to church camp.  She cried and cried when she got home because she loved it there so much!  

Gracie loved her camp counselor, Bandit!

Please continue to pray for me.  Here are some specifics...

• Pray that fear does not become a regular feeling for me
• Pray that I do not require radiation
• Pray that God would lead Ryan and I to know what is best for me, reconstruction or going flat. 
• Pray for the upcoming transition back to school and work while juggling cancer treatment

Chemo #2

I'm just sitting here getting my chemo pre-meds.  My counts were good today and I'm physically, spiritually, and psychologically ready to keep on going!  Although the steroid caused a mostly sleepless night last night, so I'm a sleepy girl today.  That's alright though, I've got plenty of time for sleeping blocked out for the next few days.

I forgot to share in my last blog post that the chemo appears to be working!  The nipple leakage is gone!  In fact, it's kind of too much information to share (but that's never stopped me before) but the area where the leakage was coming from dried out, almost like a callous or something.  Then within a few days, the callous rubbed off, maybe from the friction in my bra, I'm not sure?!  But it's gone and I'm happy!  Dr. Satelli confirmed this morning that it's a sign the chemo is working.  Not very often, but on occasion, people get to the mid-way check and they discover that it was all for nothing because the chemo wasn't working.  Ugh!  But it appears that mine is working!  Praise the Lord!

We've had an eventful past few days.  We snuck in as much girl-fun as we could while Daddy was on a much deserved fishing trip to Bennett!  We had two swimming dates with friends, watched some fireworks, and had a Head Shaving Party!  

Ever since the first treatment, I was waiting for the hair to begin falling.  On day 15, it started.  And I didn't like it very much... at all!  I've always had a head full of hair, so I'm used to shedding quite a bit, but it just wouldn't stop.  It gave me a tummy ache every time I'd pull a handful out.  Being a "rip the bandaid" kind of person, I texted Tara, my lifelong friend and hairdresser and asked if she could come over on Friday night.  She made it happen, and then I started to fret.  I'm really not a vain person, never have been.  For example, if Ryan and I make a late trip to the store and I'm already in my comfy clothes, I won't bat an eyelash about leaving the house without changing or looking in the mirror.  My handsome husband, on the other hand, is a bit high maintenance.  He would never leave the house in comfy clothes.  He'd run back to the bedroom and change into something with a belt (I'm not kidding) and fix his hair or grab a hat.  Usually, I could've made it to the store and back before he's ready to go!  But for me, my hair has always been a defining physical trait.  My whole life people have commented about my thick hair.  So in some way, I felt like I was going to lose a part of who I am.  But I asked for prayers and I spent time praying and pondering the upcoming event.  And God did what He does.  He led me to realize that I am His child, Kristy Weaver, hair or no hair.  That was all I needed.  When it was time for the Head Shaving Party, I was almost excited!  The kids were looking forward to some fun!  Tara even showed up with a sack full of scarves and other goodies to make this experience easier!  She even had jewels on her scissors!  I invited my sister and her girls, my mom, and my sister-in-law and her girls for the fun!  Before we got to work, we had a serious talk about hair-cutting scissors and non-hair-cutting scissors.  All the little girls seemed to understand... time will tell!  Then the fun began!  I'll let the pictures tell the story...

Everyone who knew my dad has decided that I look a lot like him when I don't have hair!  I need to have my mom get me a picture of my dad when he was younger, just out of basic training.  We look like twins!  It's fun and creepy!

 

Then on Saturday, the girls and I decided to have some more fun!  Because it takes no time to get ready in the morning when you have no hair, I did my makeup and curled the girls' hair.  We painted our nails and tried on head scarves!  The girls even wanted to get their heads wrapped like Momma.  I'm telling you, these two girls have the sweetest hearts.  I was really worried before I began chemo that this time in their lives would be marked by sadness and gloom, but they have taken everything in stride.  Gracie confided in me that she is nervous that people will think I look funny and that she might be embarrassed if I don't cover my head.  I told her that it's completely normal to feel that way and that people might think I look funny.  She said she wants them to know that the reason I don't have hair is because I'm getting treatment for cancer.  So we've had a lot of conversations about how to handle tough situations.  I use metaphors a lot when I talk kids, so Gracie has gotten pretty good at figuring them out.  In this situation, I mentioned "When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade!" She just asked, "But how, Momma?"  She could figure out that the lemon in this situation was losing my hair, but she couldn't figure out how to make lemonade out of it.  So we discussed that adding sugar to lemons makes them taste sweet, not sour.  So we can sweeten this lemon of hair loss by adding joy, fun, happiness, smiles, earrings, makeup, cute hats, colorful scarves, a good attitude, and just being open to sharing with people why I don't have hair.  She started to get it and I can tell that the passing time is helping her feel more comfortable.  Hattie was her usual self in this experience.  She tends to be timid at first, but as soon as she gets used to things, she acts like she's been doing it her whole life.  On Friday night, she was unsure about my bald head, but by Saturday morning, it was like I never had hair!  

On Sunday, Ryan got home from his fishing trip.  The girls and I enjoyed some quality time with him before they headed off to a sleepover at Aunt Steph's house!  I tell you, these chemo treatments are like birthday parties for them!  Ryan and I have started a little ritual of snuggling on the couch to watch a movie the night before chemo.  It gives me something to look forward to.  For the first, second, and third chemo treatments, we're watching the Divergent series.  The first and second movies were awesome!  I'm making us wait till chemo #3 to watch the last one.  Then we have to figure out what series is next!  We wrapped up our night by putting away laundry and running the dishwasher.  I've discovered that a clean house before chemo makes me feel like a better wife and mother, for some reason?!  

Right before heading to bed, I finally worked up the courage to pick all the gooey stuff off the liquid bandaid over my port incision.  It's been 3 weeks and they said it would come off in a couple of weeks.  It's been driving me nuts, but I hate cuts and blood and such, so I've left it alone.  But I'm glad I picked it off because it looks much better now!

Well, the chemo fog has begun to descend upon me.  My thoughts are beginning to cloud and I think it's time to wrap up this post.  Thanks for your continued prayers and encouragement!  I've had such a fun time seeing all the #weaversbelievers posts today!  Y'all are amazing!

The prayer requests have not changed since the last post.  Please keep those prayers coming!

1. Pray that the cancer has/does not spread to my lymph nodes, blood, or other body parts (we won't know the answer the this question until after surgery)
2. Pray that it is clear to the team of doctors that I do not need radiation
3. Pray that my faith and the faith of my family is strengthened during this time
4. Pray that my belly and the dry mouth are more manageable this time around
5. Pray that the chemo does not cause any longterm damage to me
6. Pray that I do not get sick during this season of weakened immunity, but am still able to enjoy time out of the house with my family