Tough question...

Gracie and I have some of our best conversations before she goes to bed. While we rock, Gracie tries to stall to stay up later (and I let her because I love that time with my girl). So tonight she brought up dying and going to heaven. Between losing Uncle David, Baby Eli, and puppy dog Marley, heaven has been on her mind for a while. We've also talked quite a bit about baptism, which leads to a discussion of living with Jesus forever in heaven. At first it was pretty casual... What is heaven like?  What color is God's house?  But then she started to cry and could barely get out her words. I asked her to repeat herself and she said, "Who takes care of kids when their mommy and daddy dies?"  Her question took me off guard and made my stomach sink at the very same time. I was/am not prepared to answer her question, or even think about that scenario. Worse yet, it's the first time I've ever seen Gracie get so emotional over a fear or feeling. It was an extremely honest an sad moment. I did my best to answer her honestly and to reassure her that Mommy and Daddy will be with her for a very long time. I explained that Grandmas Grandpas takes of kids, along with Aunts and Uncles and cousins and close friends. The conversation moved onto something else relatively quickly, but I still can't shake that feeling in the pit of my stomach. 

That feeling is less about me and more about Gracie. I don't like that she worries about things she can't understand. She is such a smart and analytical child. She is so wise and perceptive. Which generally serves her well, but in this situation, I just want her to be blissfully unaware. I don't want her to fret or fear the loss of her parents. In fact tonight Ryan called me "old lady" and Gracie crawled up in my lap and said, "I don't want you to be old, Momma."  I think that comment was rooted in her fears of losing me.  

But here's what I do want Gracie to know about what happens when Mommy dies... which is hopefully a very, very long time from now.  First of all, Mommy loves you and always loved you more than life itself. You are the most special girl to me and I believe you are proof of God's love. A blessing that I always dreamed of. Even if I die, nothing can change the fact that your Momma loved you deeper than the ocean. Second of all, have no fear, sweet my girl.  I am happy, so happy in heaven!  Do not worry about me. My faith is strong and I will spend forever with our Savior. And do not be sad that we are apart from each other right now. I know it seems like you won't see me again, but we will see each other again.  Be strong in your faith and trust that Jesus has covered all your sins, too. There will be a day, many many days, when we will be together again!  Enjoy your time without me here on earth, and I promise we will pick up where we left off in a while.  And lastly, do not worry about who will care for you when I'm gone. There are countless people who have loved you just as long as I have loved you.  God has loved you even longer and will always provide for you and protect you. Take confidence in His plan for your life and simply know, without a doubt, that He will not fail you. 

So as morbid and sad as these words sound, if Gracie should ever have to go through something as painful and challenging as losing her Momma, please do me 3 favors. Love and care for her like I would. Continue to feed her Christian faith. And remind her of my intense love for her and that I'll be waiting, with a smooch and squeeze for her, up there at the end of her long, long life!

How did you and Dad meet?

The short answer: We were set up by people from work.

The long answer:

It was a Thursday night in May of 2005 and I was at the Retirement Dinner for all the teachers retiring from Chouteau that school year.  I spent the night visiting with several people, but sat at a table with Tara Mast, our school librarian, and her husband Derek.  We had fun just chit-chatting.

The next morning, Tara walked into my room and asked if I would consider going on a date with another guy.  You see, she had set me up with one acquaintance already that year, and so had several other teachers.  I'd had at least 4 blind dates that year... none of which caught my interest enough to go much further.  She told me how her husband Derek wanted to find me a match and sat up in the middle of the night and said, "I know who we should set up with Kristy!  Ryan Weaver from work!"  Tara wasn't sure if I'd be interested, but she'd written down some descriptors on a Post-It Note.  Ryan was "Blond, a soccer player, a family guy, 5' 11'', a Christian, a hard-worker (who reported to Derek at the time), and had a good sense of humor."  Well, going out for a free dinner never bothered me, so I said I'd be happy to meet him.

We originally planned to meet on a double date with Tara and Derek, but it seemed that we couldn't find a free time.  By the end of May, Ryan said the earliest he could go out was July 15.  What the heck?!  Six weeks from now is the soonest you have time?  Now that I know your father, I know that he just didn't want to go out with me... his social calendar is never that full!  I remember telling my dad about 'this guy' and he agreed with me that this cheeseball must not be worth my time if he couldn't even get together until July.

Well, as it turned out, waiting so long to meet was just how it was supposed to be.  During the month of June, my dad passed away unexpectedly.  It was a rough time for my mom, my sister, and I so any relationship probably wouldn't have worked through all of that.

So the days flew by and before I knew it, July 15th had arrived.  I was looking forward to finally meeting this cheeseball, to see if we might hit it off, but mostly to enjoy another free dinner!  But around 10:30 on the morning of our first date, your dad called to cancel for that night.  He said his Aunt Denise had suffered from a heart attack and he had to drive his grandmother to Indiana.  I felt so bad for him and his family, after going through everything with my dad, I knew how challenging times like this can become.  I ended the call by telling him I'd pray for his Aunt Denise.  And I did, all weekend, I prayed for Aunt Denise from Indiana and for Ryan's entire family.

So it's mid-July and I still haven't met this kid yet.  On Monday morning, July 18, he called to reschedule our date.  He was leaving for a 2 week trip to the lake that weekend, so we decided to meet up that night for mini-golf and dinner.  We met at Timber Ridge Mini Golf near Claycomo.  He told me he'd be driving a blue Ford F150, so I knew what to look for.  He arrived first, so when I pulled in driving my green Toyota Rav4, I saw him right away... and I noticed right off that he wasn't 5' 11'' (wishful thinking, Ryan!)  We played a round of mini-golf and as weird as it sounds, we had an instant connection.  I really don't remember much about the golf, I just remember that he was wearing khaki shorts, a green shirt, and brown sandals.  I remember laughing a lot and being really surprised at how comfortable I was with him.  I also remember leaving Timber Ridge and heading to 54th Street Bar and Grill off Englewood Road.  For some reason when we were getting into our cars to follow each other, the topic of speeding came up.  Ryan said that he never drove above the speed limit (which is true, even now).  I said that I didn't speed either (which at that time was a lie... but it's true now!)

We ate dinner at 54th Street and had easy conversation the entire time.  Even after the waitress had cleared the table, we just sat and talked.  I remember one point in the evening when we were talking, I actually put my feet up on the booth seat next to him.  I recall thinking to myself, What are you doing?! Sit up!  You're on a date!  He didn't seem to mind and we ended up closing the place down.  When we got to the parking lot, we started to say goodbye, but ended up sitting on his tailgate talking for another few hours.  Neither one of us knew what time it was, but by the time we got into our cars to drive home, it was after 1:30 am.

On the drive home, I glanced at my cell phone and there were something like 14 missed calls from my sister!  She was convinced that I'd gone on a date with a serial killer and she would never hear from me again.  So I called her to tell her about the date and this guy and how easy our conversations were.  She was happy to hear that he wasn't a killer!  I think I caught her off guard when I told her I was pretty sure he was the man I would marry.  And clearly, I was right!

When girlfriends of mine have asked me "How did you know he was the one?" or "How do I know if he's the one?" my answer is always, "I just knew."  And it's true, I just knew he was the one for me.  I was 24 years old and I been on several first dates, casually dated a few boys, but never been in a serious relationship.  I was always very sure of what I wanted.  I had written a list of qualities I wanted in a mate... Ryan met most of them.  I had an idea in my mind of what was attracted to, and your dad met all of them.  There were a few things about him that I never saw myself ending up with.  A drama & choir boy... that was never my type.  I thought I'd end up with a baseball boy instead of a soccer boy.  But none of those things matter when you really get down to the person.  What mattered most was that he was the only boy who I was totally comfortable with.  I was myself with him from the very first date.  He challenged me in ways that no one else had and brought out sides of me that no one else had.  Unlike previous boys, when Ryan called, I wanted to talk to him.  We would spend hours and hours on the phone and he was always interested in what I had to say.  We shared similar interests and dreams, which made bringing our lives together exciting and fulfilling.  My relationship with your father was easy.  Don't get me wrong, we've had our challenges and things to work through, but for the most part, our relationship was/is easy and fun.  When they ask, I always tell girlfriends in challenging relationships that if it's hard at the beginning, hard before the wedding, then he's probably not the one.  If a relationship isn't fun at the beginning, there's no hope that it'll be fun later.

The feeling was mutual between your father and I... the feeling that we were meant to be together.  We went out again that week on Thursday night.  He came to my softball game and talked with my mom while Aunt Steph and I played ball. After I cleaned up, he and I went Zona Rosa for ice cream.  We found a bench and spent the rest of the night talking and dreaming.  It was on our second date that your father said, "So when we get married, what song do you want to dance to for our first dance?"  I wittingly replied, "If I marry you, I already know what song we will dance to."  He said, "I have a song picked out, too."  The song I had always wanted to dance to was from the movie How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days.  I wasn't sure of the title, but it was the song during which Ben and Andie fell in love.  Ryan's song choice was from Dawson's Creek, called Feels Like Home.  As it turns out, they're the same song!  And yes, we chose it for our first dance song when we were married 2 years later.

______________________________________

I must insert a side note here --- About a year after we first met, I was on a car trip to Council Bluffs, IA with your Aunt Brandi and Uncle Chad (we were meeting your dad up there).  I found out that the story of Aunt Denise from Indiana having a heart attack was all made up.  Yep!  He had crafted that whole story... I found out later that he canceled our date that night so that he could drive up to Iowa to see his cousin's ball game.  Aunt Denise never had a heard attack, never lived Indiana (that was Aunt Betty!), and I prayed for this made up aunt all weekend long.  By the way,  Aunt Betty didn't have a heart attack either.  Jerk!  Yeah, I'm sure you can imagine how that conversation went.  I'm pretty certain I can still pull that card out of my back pocket to win any future argument.  It's probably a good thing I didn't find out about this little lie until we were already engaged.  Otherwise, I'm not sure your father would've been your father... if you know what I mean!

Ask Momma

I'm not really the kind of person who worries very often.  In general, I'm pretty calm about things, but there is one worry that can keep me up at night, if I let it.  Sometimes my thoughts turn morbid and I think about what would happen if something happened to me, or worse yet, if something happened to my husband or children.  I almost can't even type those words without feeling anxious.  I heard a quote a few weeks back that resonates with me and this issue, "Worrying is like praying for what you don't want."  It reminds me to get off that line of thinking whenever it creeps up, and to focus instead on telling God what I do want.

One thing I've discovered about myself is that I want my children to know the stories of our family.  Not just the cute and funny stories of their childhoods, although that is important to me, too.  But I'm talking about the stories of their parents.  The stories you think to ask once you're an adult.  After losing my dad in 2005, I can think of several stories I wish I'd have thought to ask him about before he passed away.  I've run across multiple experiences that made me wish I could ask my dad how he handled/would've handled the situation.  For these reasons, I want to write down our stories for our children so that many years from now, they will be able to read and share them with their families.

I'll label these posts 'Ask Momma'.  Which means that on the right hand side of my blog, you can click 'Ask Momma' to see the collection of these posts.  I'll post the first one soon titled: How did you and Daddy meet?  Check back soon to find out!