Tough question...

Gracie and I have some of our best conversations before she goes to bed. While we rock, Gracie tries to stall to stay up later (and I let her because I love that time with my girl). So tonight she brought up dying and going to heaven. Between losing Uncle David, Baby Eli, and puppy dog Marley, heaven has been on her mind for a while. We've also talked quite a bit about baptism, which leads to a discussion of living with Jesus forever in heaven. At first it was pretty casual... What is heaven like?  What color is God's house?  But then she started to cry and could barely get out her words. I asked her to repeat herself and she said, "Who takes care of kids when their mommy and daddy dies?"  Her question took me off guard and made my stomach sink at the very same time. I was/am not prepared to answer her question, or even think about that scenario. Worse yet, it's the first time I've ever seen Gracie get so emotional over a fear or feeling. It was an extremely honest an sad moment. I did my best to answer her honestly and to reassure her that Mommy and Daddy will be with her for a very long time. I explained that Grandmas Grandpas takes of kids, along with Aunts and Uncles and cousins and close friends. The conversation moved onto something else relatively quickly, but I still can't shake that feeling in the pit of my stomach. 

That feeling is less about me and more about Gracie. I don't like that she worries about things she can't understand. She is such a smart and analytical child. She is so wise and perceptive. Which generally serves her well, but in this situation, I just want her to be blissfully unaware. I don't want her to fret or fear the loss of her parents. In fact tonight Ryan called me "old lady" and Gracie crawled up in my lap and said, "I don't want you to be old, Momma."  I think that comment was rooted in her fears of losing me.  

But here's what I do want Gracie to know about what happens when Mommy dies... which is hopefully a very, very long time from now.  First of all, Mommy loves you and always loved you more than life itself. You are the most special girl to me and I believe you are proof of God's love. A blessing that I always dreamed of. Even if I die, nothing can change the fact that your Momma loved you deeper than the ocean. Second of all, have no fear, sweet my girl.  I am happy, so happy in heaven!  Do not worry about me. My faith is strong and I will spend forever with our Savior. And do not be sad that we are apart from each other right now. I know it seems like you won't see me again, but we will see each other again.  Be strong in your faith and trust that Jesus has covered all your sins, too. There will be a day, many many days, when we will be together again!  Enjoy your time without me here on earth, and I promise we will pick up where we left off in a while.  And lastly, do not worry about who will care for you when I'm gone. There are countless people who have loved you just as long as I have loved you.  God has loved you even longer and will always provide for you and protect you. Take confidence in His plan for your life and simply know, without a doubt, that He will not fail you. 

So as morbid and sad as these words sound, if Gracie should ever have to go through something as painful and challenging as losing her Momma, please do me 3 favors. Love and care for her like I would. Continue to feed her Christian faith. And remind her of my intense love for her and that I'll be waiting, with a smooch and squeeze for her, up there at the end of her long, long life!